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Scrambled  Oil 


"  Rogers  gave  a  swift  look 
at  Rockyfeller."— Page  31 


Frontispiece 


ME  AND  LAWSON 


•HUMPTY"  HOTFOOTS  LITTLE  RUN  IN  WITH 

FRENZIED  COPPER,  AMALGAMATED  GAS 

AND  SCRAMBLED  OIL 


BY  RICHARD  WEBB 


ILLUSTRATIONS  BY 

W.   W.    DENSLOW 


G.  W.  DILLINGHAM  COMPANY 

PUBLISHERS  NEW  YORK 


COPYEIOHT,  1905,  BY 

Q.  W.  DILLINGHAM  COMPANY 


Issued  April,  IMS 


ME  AND  LAWSON 


CONTENTS 


CHAP.      X  PAGB 

I — HUMPTT  AND  THE  BOSS  .  .  .  .15 

"  Head  Hissers  in  the  Snake  House  " 
II — SCRAMBLED  OIL 25 

'tLike  a  Marble  Monument  and  a  Sea 
Serpent  Going  to  Drown  Their  Mother- 
in-Laws  " 

III — AMALGAMATED  GAS 43 

"Worse  than  the  Smell  of  Violets  in  a 
Man-led  Minister's  Moustache  " 

IV — THE  LAMB  DANCE 73 

"The  Return  Ticket  of  a  Shot-off  Sky 
rocket  " 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


PAGE 

SCRAMBLED  OIL Frontispiece 

"Rogers  gave  a  swift  look  at  Rockyfeller " 

AMALGAMATED  GASSERS 47 

"  Addicks,  light  this  cigar  with  some  of  your 
Stage  Money  " 

ME  AND  THE  BOSS 51 

"An  Organ  of  my  Own  " 

THE  LAMB  DANCE 75 

"Doing  double  quick  stunts" 


HUMPTY  AND  THE  BOSS 


HUMPTY  AND  THE  BOSS 
"HEAD  HISSEES  IN  THE  SNAKE  HOUSE" 

HEE!  but  them  Wall  Street 
Separators     has     got     a 
nerve  to  call  Mister  Law- 
son  a  Spider-web  Speiler. 
He  ain't  a  chink  laundry 
ticket  in  a  pink  shirt  fac 
tory  'side  of  them.    They 
don't  do  a  thing  to  you  but  Annex  all 
you  got  and  then  wire  the  News  to 
mother-in-law. 
How  do  I  know  f 

Didn't  I  onct  work  in  a  Stomach-cure 

Foundry  that  old  Eockyfeller  bought 

out,   and   ain't  I  bin  Lawson's  Head 

Hurry-boy    since   I    let    the    Western 

15 


Me  and  Lawson 


Union  print  me  name  on  their  door 
knob? 

It  puts  me  to  the  Laughing  Gas  when 
I  hear  them  Willie- Wises  chin  about  the 
high-man  money  game.  They  ain't 
Next  no  more  than  a  bowlegged  billy 
goat  at  a  head-push  horse  show. 

There's  only  one  18-karat  Gold  Fish 
in  the  Coin  Aquarium  just  now,  and 
that's  me  close  friend,  Thomas  Solar- 
Plexus  Lawson. 

The  first  time  I  seen  him  was  when  I 
delivered  a  Gas-stove  message  from 
Colonel  Bill  Greene  about  his  coming 
to  Boston  to  shoot  the  shingles  off 
the  Boss's  Brain  Barn.  I  whizzed  up 
to  his  door  in  me  Two-calf  Panthard 
Bubble  and  sent  in  me  card  by  meself. 
The  Soda- Water  Sammy  who  shuffles 
the  gate  money  and  tells  you  the  Boss  is 
out  when  he's  in,  and  sorry  for  it,  was 
16 


Humpty  and  the  Boss 


rattled  about  something  and  sent  me 
straight  to  the  Captain 's  Office. 

I  had  seen  a  bunch  of  first-money  Ga- 
zeepers  like  John  Soakem  Sullivan, 
Cassie  Borrow  Chadwick,  Divorce-Bill 
Cody,  and  was  keen  to  put  me  Lamps 
on  Lawson. 

I  walked  up  to  him  like  a  cop  on  pay 
day  and  pushed  the  telegram  in  his 
right  mit.  He  gave  me  a  f  ar-Eockaway 
look  with  a  Hetty  Green  smile  as  he  un- 
canned  the  message.  I  held  me  cap  in 
me  hand  while  he  read  it,  and  in  a  min 
ute  he  went  up  in  the  air  to  beat  a  Sub 
way  dago  on  top  of  a  blast.  He  made 
motions  that  put  Jitsoo  to  the  Milk 
Toast,  and  his  Face  Music  was  as  rough 
house  as  a  police  captain  talking  fire 
works  to  his  men. 

I  was  rubbering  for  a  cyclone  cellar 
when  he  began  to  write  his  come-back; 
17 


Me  and  Lawson 


but  it  must  have  been  raining  in  Mex 
ico,  as  the  bull  fight  didn't  come  off. 

In  about  three  squirts  of  a  seltzer 
bottle  he  passed  me  his  reply  and  I 
skated  out  of  the  place  like  a  fly  what 
had  got  too  busy  with  a  bald  head. 

On  me  run  back  to  the  office  I  read 
the  paper,  and  it  was  this  way: 

DEAR  BILL — Welcome  to  Dreamhurst.  Come 
early  and  avoid  the  rush.  You  don't  say 
whether  your  weapon  is  a  Dope  gun,  or  one 
for  exterminating  Insects.  In  either  case  may 
I  suggest  that  you  try  it  on  Yourself,  as  my 
Dog  is  now  quite  well,  thank  you. 

Yours,  until  the  next  time, 

LAWSOX. 

On  the  level  now,  do  you  think  them 
Scrambled-oil  Wine  Openers  could 
grease  up  a  Wire  like  that  ? 

It  wasn't  till  after  I  had  carried  a  lot 
18 


Humpty  and  the  Boss 


of  Cholera-mixture  Messages  for  him 
that  he  gave  me  the  Happy  High  Sign 
and  handed  me  a  Heart-to-heart. 

One  morning  when  the  weather  was 
weinerwurst  than  Sasaprilla  at  a  Hi 
bernian  Picnic,  I  goes  to  him  with  a 
wire  from  his  right  bower,  Jack  Croach, 
asking  about  sending  any  more  fake 
telegrams  from  New  York  in  the  name 
of  prominent  people,  and  he  turns  to  me 
with  this : 

"  Well,  young  man,  how  is  your 
friend,  Mister  Rockyfeller,  this  morn 
ing  ?  What  do  you  think  of  Bible-class 
Preferred?  How  would  you  like  to  be 
the  Oil  Man?  " 

I  know'd  he  was  guying  me,  and 
quick  as  a  flashlight  of  Russell  Sage 
taking  money,  I  sed, 

' '  Me  for  you,  Mister  Lawson.  You  're 
the  real  Boston  Bunker-hill  Cream 
19 


Me  and  Lawson 


Puff.  You're  making  them  Highbind 
ers  look  like  an  Uncle  Sam  toy  terrier 
with  a  Philippine  tin  can  tied  to  his 
Tab." 

"  Then  you  think  they're  on  the  run, 
do  you!  " 

11  Shure,  Mike,"  sez  I,  "  havn't  they 
hired  a  Talk-tosser  with  a  Shamrock 
name  to  throw  Word  Bombs  at  you? 
Didn't  Mister  Rogers  go  to  Europe  to 
let  his  coppers  cool  off,  and  didn't 
Eockyfeller's  Kid  go  acrost  too,  after 
handing  his  bunch  of  White  Mice  Doo- 
gooders  a  flock  of  Yarn  Mottoes  to  eat 
while  he  was  gone?  ' 

"  Do  you  see  many  people  reading 
Nobody 's  Magazine  I  ' '  sez  he. 

"  You   bet,    and   hear    'em   talking 

about  it,  too.    Some  sez  you're  the  guy 

what  owns  it,  others  sez  it's  Charley 

Moss,  the  banker,  and  some  sez  they 

20 


Humpty  and  the  Boss 


don't  give  a  dam.  One  Gazabo  sed  you 
dropped  a  Coffin-full  of  Ashes  in  your 
High  Ball  by  leaving  the  editors  mix 
some  of  your  Speil  with  the  ads  in  the 
back  of  the  magazine,  and  by  printing 
some  Paid  Puffs  about  yourself,  writ 
by  need-the-money  newspaper  men. ' ' 

Then  I  asked  him  if  he  was  for  the 
Golden  Eule,  and  he  sed  he  was  a  plain 
man,  the  'Friend  of  the  People,  and  a 
Copper  One  was  good  enough  for  him, 
specially  when  he  made  it  Hisself. 

I  was  renting  meself  to  the  Western 
Onion  by  the  week,  and  about  the  fifth 
birthday  of  me  job  Lawson  sez  to  me, 

' '  Humpty,  how  would  you  like  to  be 
a  High  Funny-businesser  with  me  and 
have  Wall  Street  call  you  one  of  the 
Head  Hissers  in  the  Snake  House?  " 

I  cleared  a  couple  of  Goodluck  Horse 
shoes  out  of  me  throat,  and  sed, 
21 


"  You're  on,  Mister  Lawson;  I'm 
stuck  on  you.  You  're  the  only  Haughty 
Porch-climber  what  wipes  his  feet  on 
the  Family  Mat  before  making  the 
Touch,  and  then  puts  his  own  freight- 
car  seal  on  the  window  blind  to  keep 
out  Common  Grafters." 

He  laughed  as  loud  as  a  row  of 
Canned  Fruit  exploding  in  a  Bum  Gro 
cery  and  hired  me  before  I  could  tell 
him  about  me  orphaned  mother,  and  me 
being  the  only  one  she  had  to  lean  on 
when  her  thirst  was  working. 

I  give  the  Western  Onion  notice,  and 
wham!  splash!  their  stock  bumped  for 
ten  points  when  the  News  showed  up  on 
the  ticker. 


22 


SCRAMBLED   OIL 


SCRAMBLED   OIL 


"LIKE  A  MARBLE  MONUMENT  AND  A 
SEA  SERPENT  GOING  TO  DROWN  THEIR 
MOTHER-IN-LAWS  " 

HE  first  day  I  wore  the  Law- 
son  collar  I  put  a  patent 
leather  shine  on  the  Ton- 
neau  of  me  Pants  setting 
outside  of  his  private 
Scheming  Vault,  looking 
wise. 

I  must  have  made  a  hit  with  him  from 
the  jump,  because  he  kept  me  sticking- 
plaster  close  all  the  time.  I  did  me  best 
to  catch  his  pitching  and  railroad  the 
guys  he  didn't  want  to  mouth-organ 
with. 

25 


Me  and  Lawson 


There  were  a  couple  of  Roof -gar  den 
Robbies  in  his  Office  Chorus  what  I 
called  the  White-spat  Sisters,  because 
they  dressed  in  tandem  and  rushed  the 
same  Acterine.  The  word  Leaksky  was 
printed  all  over  their  Face  Plates  and  I 
put  'em  on  the  Slippery  Elm  Card  from 
the  start. 

It  wasn't  long  before  I  caught  them 
pulling  the  bung  out  of  the  Boss's 
Secret-keg,  and  it  was  Me  to  the  Pinker- 
ton  solo. 

I  swam  into  the  Boss,  just  as  he  was 
having  a  careless  picture  of  Himself 
took  for  the  magazine,  and  after 
breathing  heavy  through  both  barrels 
of  me  smeller,  like  a  fly  cop,  I  sed,  fuss 
ing  me  face  in  the  place  where  the 
Black  Moustache  ought  to  be : 

"  Mister  Lawson,  you  need  a  Word- 
Plumber.  There's  a  Leak  in  your  catch 
26 


Scrambled  Oil 

basin.  Give  me  the  go-ahead  bell  and 
I'll  put  you  wise." 

Then  I  told  him  the  whole  story. 

He  give  his  cigar  a  couple  of  mad- 
dog  bites  and  then  he  takes  me  by  the 
shoulders  and  sez,  swift  but  kind  as  a 
missionary, 

"  Humpty,  you're  a  good  boy.  By 
gad,  you  're  worth  any  two  men  I  know. 
You  can  play  Croquet  in  my  Cemetery 
Lot  any  time  you  want  to." 

Then  he  hands  me  a  Ten  Spot,  right 
off  the  roll  in  his  overalls,  and  tells  me 
to  come  back  in  three  hours. 

I  went  out  on  the  street  looking  for 
a  Bank  to  do  me  Private  Business  with, 
and  swelled  up  so  Mud-rich  that  I 
couldn't  feel  the  sidewalk,  nor  tell  the 
Apple  Woman  from  Little  Eva. 

I  was  Johnny-on-the-spot  when  the 
three  hours  had  went  down  into  the  cel- 
27 


Me  and  Lawson 


lar  of  the  clock  to  take  a  Rip  Van  Win 
kle,  but  the  Boss  was  at  the  home  plate 
with  the  bat  in  his  mits  when  I  sailed  in. 

He  looked  Absent  Bug  for  a  minute, 
like  a  travelling  man  wondering  if  he 
can  trust  the  chambermaid  with  the 
watch  he  left  under  his  pillow,  and 
sed, 

"  Humpty,  they  say  it's  wrong  to 
send  a  boy  on  a  man's  errand,  but  I 
don't  know  a  man  I  can  trust,  so  here 
goes.  I  want  you  to  go  over  to  New 
York  to-morrow  night  and  take  a  letter 
to  Mister  Rogers.  The  job  must  be  done 
Secretly.  If  any  one  should  get  wise  to 
your  trip,  or  if  you  fall  down  on  any 
part  of  me  instructions,  it  will  hurt  me 
more  than  I  can  make  you  understand. 
You  must  deliver  the  letter  to  the  Main 
Squeeze  himself,  and  talk  to  no  one  but 
him.  Do  you  think  you  can  do  it  ?  ' 
28 


Scrambled  Oil 

"  Sure  as  Roosevelt,"  sez  I,  "  fire 
away." 

"  It  will  be  necessary,"  sez  he,  "  for 
you  to  be  next  to  the  contents  of  the 
letter,  so  listen  Hard; 

"  I  think  it  would  be  worth  a  lot  of 
money  to  Mister  Eogers  to  have  me  Stop 
doing  something  that  I'm  doing,  and  I 
am  sure  we  can  Both  make  more  money 
by  playing  the  Game  together.  I  will 
write  the  letter  so  to  make  him  Wise 
to  this  fact  and  all  you  have  to  do  is 
bring  back  his  answer.  It  will  be  Yes 
or  No,  and  if  it 's  Yes  he  will  tell  you  a 
day,  hour  and  place  where  we  can  meet. 
If  he  should  Welch  on  Me  and  print  the 
letter  you  must  be  ready  to  tell  the  Bos 
ton  newspaper  reporters  that  a  man 
what  I  will  tell  you  how  to  describe 
come  to  your  house  at  ten  o'clock  at 
night,  give  you  the  letter  and  instruc- 
29 


Me  and  Lawson 


tions,  and  told  you  I  would  phone  you 
at  the  Imperial  hotel  in  New  York  at 
nine  in  the  morning,  which  of  course  I 
won't  do." 

I  inhaled  all  that  the  Boss  handed  me 
and  blew  out  of  me  Cigarette  Chimney 
what  was  Chop  Suey  to  me  Keason 
Works. 

The  next  night  it  was  Humpty  to  the 
Pullman. 

I  had  a  catechism  of  a  time  seeing 
Mister  Rogers,  but  about  three  in  the 
afternoon  I  was  squirted  into  his 
office  by  a  Morgue-faced  Mut  what 
must  have  had  Paris-green  Prunes  for 
lunch. 

Bleeding  Biscuits!  but  Rogers  has 
got  a  great  Face  on  him.  It  makes  me 
swallow  hard  when  I  think  of  it  in  the 
dark.  I  onct  saw  a  oil  picture  of  a 
white  battleship  shooting  at  a  black 
30 


Scrambled  Oil 

torpedo  boat  in  a  night  storm.    That's 
Him,  all  right. 

He  took  me  letter  and  told  me  to  sit 
down. 

He  looked  at  the  bottom  of  it,  then  at 
me.  He  read  about  half  of  it  and 
slipped  a  Haughty  Grin  like  a  business 
man  telling  his  wife  she  don't  under 
stand  Politics.  Then  he  et  up  the  rest 
of  it;  and,  Great  Bumps!  I  could  just 
see  the  sailors  inside  of  him  bringing 
up  shot  for  the  guns. 

I  was  getting  set  to  soak  him  in  the 
watch  chain  with  me  head  if  he  come  for 
me  when  the  door  opened  and  in  comes 
the  Original  Human  Church. 

His  Steeples  was  as  bald  as  a  Fly's 
Heaven.  If  I  was  a  mosquito  I'd  be 
ashamed  to  take  the  money.  Eogers 
give  a  swift,  private-code  look  into  the 
Cathedral  Windows  of  the  Psalm-faced 
Guy,  and  sed, 

31 


Me  and  Lawson 


"  Mister  Kockyfeller,  read  that  Cur- 
ish  Dastard's  latest  insult." 

His  Steeples  took  me  letter  cool  as  a 
prayer  book  and  read  it  through  twict 
without  a  Bark.  Next  he  takes  off  his 
glasses,  as  slow  as  if  it  was  Sunday 
Afternoon  and  forty  miles  from  church. 
Then  he  looks  up,  slowly  opens  his  Talk 
Factory,  and  sez, 

"  Mister  Rogers,  won't  you  kindly 
step  into  the  nex'  room?  ' 

They  went  out,  looking  like  a  Marble 
Monument  and  a  Sea  Serpent  going  to 
drown  their  Mother-in-laws,  and  closed 
the  door  behind  them,  but  the  wall  was 
only  dinky  glass  and  I  could  hear  them 
fine  as  a  phonograph. 

Rogers  touched  off  his  cannon  first, 
and  sez, 

"  I  have  kept  Mum  as  long  as  I  am 
going  to.  That  Brass-beaked  vulture 
32 


Scrambled  Oil 

has  reviled  me  till  Every  String  in  me 
Harp  Hisses  with  Hellish  Pains.  The 
time  has  came  to  go  after  him  with  all 
our  guns.  The  public  are  amazed  at 
our  Tabbycat  Silence  and  think  us 
prison-guilty  of  the  charge.  As  evi 
dence,  consider  those  doings  in  Kansas 
and  the  bunch  of  search-me  investiga 
tions  recently  ordered. 

"  That  stuff  of  Donohue's  won't  melt 
the  people's  ear-wax.  Nothing  short 
of  a  Real  Thing  Eeply,  hot  from  my 
own  Personal  Gas  Range,  will  satisfy 
them,  and  stem  the  dirty  tide  which  this 
Boston  Boaster  has  started  humping. 
I  '11  admit  that  Ice  House  Silence  is  dig 
nified,  but  when  it  is  had  at  the  price  of 
public  confidence  it  is  too  much  of  a 
Luxury  for  me  palate.  You  must  re 
lease  me  from  my  promise  not  to  talk." 

He  spieled  like  a  actor  and  I  marked 
33 


Me  and  Lawson 


down  in  me  nut  every  fat  word  he  sed, 
so  I  could  hand  it  to  the  Boss  right. 

Then  solemn-faced  Grandpa  whistled 
for  the  brakes  and  cut  in  with, 

"  Mister  Eogers,  you  must  forbear. 
No  good  can  possibly  come  from  recog 
nizing  this  man  in  any  way.  "We  are 
Glass-arm  Powerless  to  cut  any  ice  with 
words.  You  cannot  deny  his  chatters  in 
a  hunk  because  they  are  based  on  Half- 
mast  Truths.  If  you  admit  he  has  rung 
up  the  Right  Change  on  any  part  of 
them  so  to  deny  the  balance  you  '11  have 
to  give  away  conditions  which  the  pub 
lic  ain't  wise  enough  to  see  in  the  Right 
Light— the  light  which  comes  only  from 
burning  Our  Oil. 

"  Remember  the  masses  behind  the 
votes  can't  tumble  to  Higher  Finance 
or  the  workings  of  the  great  organiza 
tions  which  are  necessary  to  provide 
34 


Scrambled  Oil 

Safe  Investments  for  the  hundreds  of 
millions  paid  in  Scrambled  Oil  Divi 
dends  every  three  moons. 

"  It  isn't  Safe  on  First  to  tell  the 
people  what,  why,  when  and  Who  we 
are  doing.  It  would  not  interest  them, 
and  then  agin  it  is  none  of  Their  busi 
ness.  No,  Mister  Eogers,  you  cannot 
punch  back  at  this  Bully  without  doing 
ourselves  the  most  harm.  And  what 
Fusses  us  injures  our  unlearned  chil 
dren,  the  Public." 

For  a  little  it  was  as  quiet  as  a  cold 
poker  game  when  the  Sucker  with  the 
Fixed  Hand  starts  to  bet  heavy.  Then 
Mister  Eogers  cleared  his  pipes  with  a 
steam  hiss,  and  sed: 

'  *  What  would  you  say  to  me  meeting 

him  in  a  Eubber  Shoe  Place,  jollying 

him  in  a  paternal  manner  on  the  fight 

he  has  put  up,  pretend  to  take  him  In 

35 


Me  and  Lawson 


with  us,  and  then  fix  him  like  a  Safety 
Match,  so  he  can't  strike  fire  except  on 
Our  Box  ?  His  letter  shows  he  is  ready 
for  the  Glad  Hand,  and  his  chest  is  so 
swelled  that  if  I  stand  close  he  won't 
see  me  set  His  Watch  back  an  hour  be 
hind  Standard  Time. 

"  The  man  is  at  least  embarrassing 
all  of  the  Big  Eich  Institutions  in  the 
country  by  pumping  Harmful  Thinks  in 
the  minds  of  the  masses,  and,"  sez  he, 
sharp  as  a  pitcher  catching  a  batter  be 
tween  bases,  "  he  ought  to  be  Licked, 
and  I'd  like  to  be  the  guy  what  does  it— 
for  the  Public  Good,  of  course." 

Quicker  than  a  Jersey  Busy-bug 
shooting  his  stinger,  the  church  bells 
begun  to  toll  in  the  Other  Guy's  throat, 
and  he  sed: 

"  No,  Henry,  you're  wrong  again. 
"We  mustn't  seem  to  be  wise  to  his  ever 
36 


Scrambled  Oil 

having  lived  or  snarled.  The  Silence- 
what-won't-come-off  is  our  only  Mud 
guard.  Send  the  boy  back  with  a 
Proper  Impression;  if  you  ain't  got  no 
objection  I'll  talk  to  him  meself." 

Then  the  both  of  them  comes  back 
with  faces  like  a  Blank  Draw  in  a  Grab 
Bag,  and  Mister  Eockyf  eller  sez  to  me, 

' l  My  dear  young  man,  who  gave  you 
this  letter  and  told  you  to  give  it  to 
me  friend  here?  ' 

With  that  he  throws  me  a  Mother-I- 
have  -  won  -  the  -  spelling  -  prize  -  at  - 
school  look,  and  clears  his  pipes  like  a 
Factory  Whistle  where  the  strikers  had 
lost  out. 

I  was  as  sore  as  an  Undertaker  at  a 
Wedding,  and  sed : 

"  The  man  what  give  me  that  Hot 
Talk  Package  was  me  best  friend  and 
side  partner,  Mr.  Thomas  Whollop'em 
37 


Lawson,  a  thoroughbred  Boston  Bull- 
terrier  with  a  flock  of  Jim  Jefferies 
Fists  for  Teeth." 

I  must  have  crossed  over  the   Old 
One's  guard  and  landed,   because  he 
looked  like  a  Cook's  tourist  what  had 
lost  the  Bunch.     But  he  changed  his 
mind  with  a  Quick  Monkey  Wrench  and 
sed,  soft  as  molasses, 

"  Young  feller,  we  Don't  Know  any 
such  man." 

'  *  You  don 't, ' '  sez  I,  * '  well,  if  you  're 
the  Head  Can  in  the  Kerosene  Crowd, 
and  I'm  sure  you  is,  you'll  have  to  buy 
a  couple  more  Golf  Grounds  and  a  Pad 
ded  Prayer  Mat  before  me  Boss  hangs 
you  on  the  line  to  dry." 

With  that  I  turned  to  Mister  Eogers 
and  sez : 

II  I  come  here  for  an  answer;  yes  or 
no.    Which  is  it?" 

38 


Scrambled  Oil 

He  looked  hard  into  me  lamps  and 
sed,  cold  as  a  skating  rink, 

"  The  gentleman  Outside  will  show 
you  the  way  to  the  elevator. ' ' 

So  I  chased  meself,  and  wired  to  the 
Boss: 

"Fishing  is  bad;  the  Bait  is  bum.  The 
goat  won't  eat  the  Paper.  Will  be  home  in 
the  morning. — HUMPTY." 

The  Boss  said  I  did  the  job  as  good 
as  any  Man,  and  that  he  thought  he 
would  try  a  new  Upper  Cut  which  had 
just  walked  into  his  Thinking  Gallery. 


39 


AMALGAMATED   GAS 


AMALGAMATED   GAS 


"WORSE   THAN    THE    SMELL    OF    VIOLETS 
IN  A  MARRIED  MINISTER'S  MOUSTACHE" 

OUT  six  o  'clock  one  day  the 
Boss  comes  to  me  and  sed: 
"  Humpty,  I  want  you  to 
report  for  duty  at  nine  to 
night  at  me  rooms  in 
Young's  hotel." 

And  I  did. 
"When  I  got  there  he  sez  to  me : 
"  I'm  expecting  a  man  here  to-night 
who  is  a  regular  bad  one.    He  is  worse 
than  the  Smell  of  Violets  in  a  Married 
Minister's  Moustache.    I  want  you  to 
stay  in  the  next  room  ready  to  run  mes 
sages.    If  you  should  just  Happen  to 
leave  the  door  open  a  little  and  stop 
43 


Me  and  Lawson 


the  crack  with  your  eye  and  ear  I 
don't  think  either  of  us  will  catch 
Creepy  Croup  from  the  draft. ' ' 

Then  he  gives  me  a  Dave  Hill  wink 
with  his  starboard  lamp  and  sez: 

"  Oh  yes,  I  also  want  you  to  make  a 
noise  like  an  Arrest  Warrant  whenever 
you  hear  me  say  anything  about  the 
pleasures  of  High  Society  in  the  Peni 
tentiary.  You  see,  Humpty,  the  gent  is 
a  dear  old  moth-eaten  friend  of  mine 
and  I  want  to  make  the  evening  as 
Lively  as  I  can  for  him  without  pulling 
a  Gun." 

Now,  then,  wasn't  that  a  fine  Squad 
of  Language  to  toss  to  a  kid  from  a  cab 
window  ?  Well,  I  knew  me  bizness  and 
was  dead  set  to  tumble  to  his,  so  I  sez, 

1 1  Mister  Lawson,  there  never  was  no 
Millionaire  Cop  in  me  family  and  youse 
will  have  to  be  a  Belasco  to  me  and  tell 
44 


Amalgamated  Gas 


me  how  to  make  a  Loudness  like  a  war 
rant.  ' ' 

"  Why,"  sed  he,  with  a  smile  like  a 
coon  wears  what  has  just  met  a  water 
melon  going  to  its  own  wake,  * '  all  you 
got  to  do  is  rattle  your  Undershirt  and 
breathe  fierce  till  the  place  smells  like  a 
prison  cell. ' ' 

I  remembered  me  Mother's  Breath 
pay-day  night  and  knowed  there  was 
sure-enough  genius  in  the  family  for  the 
stunt. 

Pretty  soon  his  Friend  came  hop- 
pin'  in,  wearing  a  actor's  overcoat  what 
could  make  a  Fuzzy  Fur  Store  look 
worse  than  a  Mexican  Pup  at  a  Collie 
Party. 

"  Hello,    Addicks,"    sez    me    Boss. 

"  You'se  don't  look  as  if  the  price  of 

Senators  had  gone  Up.    Take  that  easy 

chair  and  light  this  cigar  with  some  of 

45 


Me  and  Lawson 


your  Stage  Money.  It  will  remind  me 
of  old  times  and  Tricks." 

The  guy  Addicks  was  a  smooth  old 
geezer.  He  made  me  think  of  a  Table 
d'hote  Rat  what  had  just  pulled  his  face 
out  of  a  pot  of  fifty-cent  Butter  to  cool  it 
off  in  five  dollars'  worth  of  Ice  Cream. 
He  had  lamps  like  dark  lanterns  work 
ing  overtime  and  was  as  Chesty  as  a 
man  with  a  Permit  to  Spit  in  the  Street 
Car.  He  rubbered  around  for  a  few 
puffs  and  then  sed  through  the  smoke, 

* '  Well,  Sir  Thomas,  why  am  I  so  hon 
ored  this  evening?  You  have  handed 
me  the  Financial  Peritonitis  onct  in  due 
and  ancient  form,  and  I  am  not  Cotton- 
Tongued  Thirsty  to  butt  into  an  En 
core.  ' ' 

' '  You  got  no  kick  coming, ' '  sez  Law- 
son.  '  *  Didn  't  I  help  you  milk  the  Pub 
lic  Cow  and  hand  Rogers  the  Poisoned 
46 


Amalgamated  "  Addicks,  light  this  cigar  with  some 

Gassers  of  your  Stage  Money."— Page  45 


Me  and  Lawson 


Coffee  on  that  Bay  State  Gas  Two-step  ? 
Didn't  we  have  a  full  line  of  Frenzied 
Fun  bucket-shopping  the  Massachusetts 
Legislature  and  putting  our  price  mark 
on  the  High-browed  Lawmakers  in  Del 
aware  f  I  guess  yes,  and  it 's  up  to  you 
to  second  the  motion. " 

"  Stop  peddling  chestnuts,"  chirped 
Addicks,  "  and  come  to  the  Center." 

1 '  Look  here, ' '  sed  the  Boss, ' '  do  you 
want  to  cut  in  with  me  and  give  the 
Scrambled  Oil  Dyspeptics  a  new  brand 
of  Stomach  Ache? 

"  Can't  be  done,  eh?  You're  as 
wrong  as  a  Wart  on  a  leading  lady's 
nose.  And  put  this  in  your  pipe, 
Addie  dear;  while  it's  happening  we 
won't  do  a  thing  but  Shake  Down  the 
shoestring  speculators  all  over  the 
country  for  a  bundle  of  Mezuma  as  big 
as  Kockyfeller's  Self-respect. 
48 


Amalgamated  Gas 


1 1  You  wear  a  dagger  in  your  belt  and 
smoke  cigarettes  like  a  villain,  and  I 
will  do  the  noble-hearted  rescuer  of  the 
Down-trodden  Stocking-full  Investors. 

"  We  will  play  Tumble-bug  Tennis 
with  Wall  Street  and  keep  the  System's 
hands  busy  comforting  their  Green- 
apple  Pain  Parlor. 

"  Kansas  is  playing  a  Dead  March 
under  the  Oil  Gang's  window  and  Ter 
rible  Teddy  is  giving  a  correct  imitation 
of  a  hungry  tomcat  in  a  Virgin  Battery. 

"  It's  our  move. 

1 1  The  times  are  as  fit  as  Jimmy  Britt 
when  he  sang  dreamland  to  young  Cor- 
bett." 

Addicks  sed  something  about  not  be 
ing  able  to  trust  the  Boss  and  began  to 
talk  like  a  sea  lion  Barking  for  Break 
fast  Food. 

That  was  me  cue  to  Sell  Papers,  and 
49 


Me  and  Lawson 


I  fast-freighted  a  few  swift  bundles  of 
me  Warrant  Stunt,  but  it  didn  't  make  a 
hit.  After  I  had  shook  meself  silly  and 
breathed  so  heavy  that  I  felt  as  winded 
as  a  church  organ  after  mass,  I  took  a 
tumble  to  meself  and  just  listened. 

Mister  Addicks  signed  up  for  the  sea 
son  to  do  the  Eubber  Glove  Work  and 
the  Boss  then  showed  down  on  his  plan, 
andsed: 

11  Addie,  it's  this  way.  I  don't  have 
to  put  you  wise  on  Your  part  in  the  Con, 
because  you  're  a  G.  A.  K.  when  it  comes 
to  Panhandling,  so  here  goes  for  mine. 
But  first  let  me  rattle  the  Bones  on  the 
past  for  a  sip  or  two. ' ' 

They  was  drinking  French  bubbles 
something  fierce. 

"  Of  course  you've  read  Nobody's 
Magazine.  Well,  I  had  to  have  an 
Organ  of  my  Own  to  grind  to  the  Pub- 
50 


Me  and  the  Boss         "  An  Organ  of  my  Own."— Page  50 


V 

Me  and  Lawson 


lie,  so  I  give  the  publishers  the  hailing 
sign  of  the  Get-there  Brotherhood  and 
sung  a  bass  lullaby  about  Increased  Cir 
culation.  They  were  coy  all  right,  till  I 
drawd  a  copper-colored  sketch  of  a 
Solid  Gold  Backstop  to  catch  passed 
balls,  returned  copies  and  cancelled  ad 
contracts.  And,  well,  you  know  me,  Ad- 
die.  I  haven't  pressed  me  own  pants 
for  many  years. 

"  I  imported  a  crate  of  Superheated 
Words  from  Hot-air  Land,  and  got  a 
couple  of  war  correspondents  who  were 
stuck  on  me  Open-face  Check  Book  to 
help  me  shuffle  them.  The  first  gust  of 
Unnatural  gas  that  I  shot  through  the 
meter  made  the  Public  sit  up  all  night. 

' '  I  was  the  realest  thing  since  George 
Wash. 

11 1  called  names,  made  threats  and 
crowded  Limberger  Cheese  in  the  pock- 
52 


Amalgamated  Gas 


ets  of  the  System's  Sunday  Coat  with, 
all  the  openness  of  a  Dago  Woman 
handing  her  baby  Mother's  Milk  in  a 
court  room  where  the  father  is  being 
tried  for  eating  garlic. 

"  I  have  given  them  Preliminaries 
ever  since. 

"  I  have  told  how  the  enemy  would 
look  in  the  twelfth  round,  and  served 
'em  everything  but  Solid  Roast-beef 
Facts  on  a  hot  plate. 

' '  The  thing  went  bully  till  the  Febru 
ary  number,  and  no  questions  asked,  but 
I  fell  down  hard  on  that  issue. 

"  The  Big  Winning  I  had  made  by 
coppering  my  own  tips  to  the  Public  on 
Amalgamated  made  me  over-confident 
and  I  missed  a  right  swing  for  little  old 
Wall  Street 's  Groggy  Jaw. 

"  I  had  to  make  good  to  the  maga 
zine  for  about  400,000  unsold  copies, 
53 


Me  and  Lawson 


and  it  learned  me  a  lesson  much  and 
plenty. 

' '  I  got  the  public  with  me  agin  on  the 
next  issue  by  serving  another  round  of 
Copper  Cocktails  and  printing  some 
fake  Nursery  Talk  between  me  and 
Rogers. 

"  Next  to  the  Real  Thing- which  I'll 
never  give  'em,  because  I  don 't  own  one, 
and  because  it  isn't  necessary  to  me 
game— the  People  love  to  hear  me  tell 
what  Rogers  said  when  he  tried  to  buy 
me  honor,  and  how  I  said,  looking  a 
Straight  Flush  into  his  deep,  sea-green 
lamps,  *  Villain,  take  back  your  greasy 
pipe-line  gold ;  I  had  rather  a  thousand 
times  be  a  Gob  of  Bad  Grammar  in 
Faultless  Boston  than  be  your  plaything 
in  New  York  and  fill  Your  Can  with  My 
Oil." 

"  What  about  your  Remedy?  ' 


Amalgamated  Gas 

"  My  Bemedy?  Why,  Addie,  yon 
make  me  think  your  head  is  a  Punk 
Forest. 

"  I  never  had  one.  Doctor  Bunyan 
has  had  a  corner  on  the  remedy  market 
ever  since  Holy  Moses  Played  Marbles, 
and  if  I  can  only  keep  the  Public 's  Ears 
unreefed  half  as  long  as  he  has  held  up 
his  finger  without  changing  hands  I  will 
be  satisfied  way  down  to  the  Grass  Plot. 

"  Anticipation  is  the  Opium  of  Joy; 
and  it 's  up  to  me  to  encourage  the  Pub 
lic  Dope  Pipe. 

"  I  am  for  stringing  the  Dear  Public 
till  I  have  added  a  Fat  Few  to  me  bank 
roll  and  made  Eogers  and  his  pals 
understand  what  l  Getting  Even  ' 
means  when  set  to  Little-german-band 
music  by  Yours  Truly. 

1 '  It 's  the  old  game  of  throwing  high 
moral  dust  in  a  man's  eyes  before  you 
55 


Me  and  Lawson 


divorce  him  from  his  stuff.  People  go 
dippy  over  a  noisy  reformed  Money 
Drunkard  and  even  trust  him  with  their 
Tooth  Brush  when  he  tells  how  bad  he 
was  before  his  soul  woke  up  and 
Stretched. 

"  We  will  just  pound  the  market 
through  the  papers  and  magazine  till 
we  scare  the  people  into  Selling.  Then 
we'll  Buy,  let  the  suckers  get  their 
second  wind  and  boost  the  prices,  then 
we'll  Sell.  It's  easier  than  vending 
Beauty  Powders  to  an  Old  Maid." 

' '  On  the  level,  Tommy,  have  you  quit 
the  Oil  Crowd  for  good?  " 

1 1  You  mean  me  divorce  from  the  Oil 
Bunch  ?  Sure  yes,  I  'm  their  green-grass 
widow  all  right.  It  was  this  way;  after 
I  beat  you  to  them  on  the  Gas  Proposi 
tion  we  were  as  thick  as  prickly  heat 
on  a  summer  baby.  Of  course,  Eogers 
56 


Amalgamated  Gas 


Held  Out  on  me  when  the  Amalgamated 
Copper  Lambskins  were  divided,  but  I 
expected  that.  It  was  a  case  of  dog  eat 
dog,  and  he  had  the  longest  teeth. 

"  I  gave  him  a  moving  picture  talk 
of  how  it  tasted  to  get  the  Short  End  of 
a  thirty-five  million  dollar  killing  where 
I  was  the  Particular  Guy  what  had 
flammed  the  suckers  into  buying  mines 
for  $75,000,000  which  only  cost  $40,- 
000,000.  But  the  real  cause  of  our  Eed 
Kaging  Split  was  their  getting  next  to 
me  ringing  in  a  cold  deck  in  the  shape 
of  Trinity  Copper. 

"  They  are  a  little  too  nice  for  me, 
with  their  Sunday  School  sucker- 
stretching  blend.  I'm  for  straight 
throat-scratching  red  liquor,  and  what 's 
more,  I've  got  to  be  Head  Hog  in  the 
Pork  Park,  or  I  won't  play  root-the- 
hickory-nuts  with  any  Herd.  Ring- 
57 


Me  and  Lawson 


round-the-rosey  is  rightity-right  when 
I'm  the  rosey,  but  nixey-nit  when  other 
wise.  ' ' 

"  Yes,"  said  the  Boss,  "  I  had  some 
get-together  talks  with  Rogers,  but 
most  of  that  stuff  I  printed  is  Home 
Brewed. 

"  He's  a  decent-enough  old  chap,  but 
he  won't  let  any  other  fellow  wear  the 
Gold  Lace  in  his  Squadron,  and  you 
have  to  use  torpedo  nets  when  sailing  in 
his  waters. 

"  He's  the  slickest  thing  in  the  busi 
ness  without  drawing  a  card.  I  onct 
made  him  sore  for  two  days  by  asking 
the  loan  of  his  heart  to  hone  me  razor 
on. 

11  Say,  Addie,  it's  over  forty  statute 
miles  from  his  heart  to  his  pocket  in  a 
stock  trade. 

"  Yes,  he  turned  me  down  hard  just 
58 


Amalgamated  Gas 


before  I  quit  him,  but  I  guess  he 's  Sorry 
for  it  now." 

The  pie  and  ice  cream  I  et  for  supper 
must  have  gone  to  me  belfry  to  roost, 
because  I  went  plum  to  sleep  and  was 
dreaming  that  I  was  a  hen  planning  to 
rob  a  hawk  roost  when  Lockstep 
Holmes  put  his  skinny  hand  on  me 
shoulder,  and  I  woke  up  with  a  yell. 

Mister  Addicks  jumped  up,  swal 
lowed  a  bale  of  smoke,  and  when  he 
quit  coughing,  sez : 

"What  in  'ell  is  that,  Tom?  An 
other  of  your  Damnable  Tricks?  ' 

The  Boss  laughed  fit  to  choke,  and  sez, 

"  Oh,  no,  Addie.  That's  me  under 
study.  You  know  I  was  always  long  on 
private  theatricals. ' ' 

Then  he  phones  me  with  his  face  to 
come  in,  and  I  made  me  bow  to  the  pair 
of  'em. 

59 


Me  and  Lawson 


Before  the  other  guy  could  shoot  any 
more  questions  the  Boss  sed : 

"  Humpty,  get  that  three-legged 
stool  over  there,  set  down,  and  act  as 
our  Oracle  and  Fortune  teller." 

I  onct  coughed  a  quarter  to  a  Coon 
Lady  to  tell  me  the  bumps  I  had  coming 
to  me,  and  I  was  keen  for  the  game,  so 
I  drawed  me  stool  close,  and  set  down 
between  them. 

"  Now,  Addie,"  sed  the  Boss,  with  a 
grin,  *  *  pitch  a  few  Curved  Ones  at  the 
kid.  I  will  chip  in  with  any  explana 
tions  he  needs  and  we'll  get  some  real 
Four-cylinder  Gasoline  tips  on  the  fu 
ture.  You  know  that  out  of  the  mouth 
of  babes  and  sucklings  comes  wisdom 
in  bunches.  Look  at  him.  He's  for 
tune  teller  to  the  life,  and  even  Smells 
the  part.  Humpty,  when  did  your  valet 
hand  you  the  last  shower  bath?  ' 
60 


Amalgamated  Gas 

Now  I  won't  stand  for  a  josh  from 
any  Geezer,  and  remembering  a  Speil  I 
heard  at  the  theatre,  I  sed,  turning  me 
searchlights  full  on  the  Boss: 

11  Me  Linen  may  not  have  lead  the 
German  at  a  Laundryfest  lately,  but  it 
covers  an  Honest  Heart.  Can  you  say 
as  much  for  Yerself,  Sir  Godfrey 
Travers?  ' 

Before  he  had  time  to  call  a  strike  on 
me,  I  sez, 

11  And  what's  more,  Mister  Lawson, 
I  may  be  a  Suckling,  but  You  can  see  a 
Sucker  further  than  a  cop  can  a  booze 
store. ' ' 

The  Boss  is  a  game  loser  and  just 
laughed  till  the  other  guy  bumped  in 
with  a  fog-horn  smile.  Then  he  braced 
up  quick  and  sed : 

"  Away  with  Mirth;  let  us  to  busi 
ness.  What  question  is  eating  you  the 
most,  Addie?  ' 

61 


Addicks  smiled  soft,  just  as  if  he  was 
a  priest  annexing  a  subscription  to  the 
church,  and  asks  me  what  was  the 
Toughest  Break  Ever  the  Scrambled 
Oil  Outfit  had  made. 

The  Boss  explanationed  a  few  and  I 
worked  me  Think  Tank  hard  for  a  min 
ute,  and  sed: 

"  Letting  University  Jack's  Baby 
Boy  go  out  after  dark  without  a  nurse 
and  send  Crack-the-whip  Telegrams  to 
Washington." 

Their  wise  tugs  must  have  been  tow 
ing  bug  barges  agin  the  tide,  because  I 
had  to  draw  a  map  that  University  Jack 
was  John  D.  Rockyfeller,  the  Learning- 
mill  Booster.  It 's  big  funny  how  some 
of  them  high-card  players  don't  get 
wise  to  Real  Language. 

"  On  with  the  Dance,"  sez  the  Boss, 
1 '  let  joy  be  unconfined. ' ' 
62 


Amalgamated  Gas 


Addicks  hits  the  Four-dollar  Pop  for 
another  two  gulps  and,  laughing  all 
over  the  place,  sez : 

"  Tommy,  I  think  it's  up  to  you  to 
take  the  stool.  I'm  afraid  I'll  bat  my 
next  question  way  over  the  boy's 
bleachers. ' ' 

11  Never  mind,"  sez  the  Boss,  "  I'll 
come  back  over  the  fence  with  the  ball, 
if  you  do ;  so  go  ahead. ' ' 

Sure  enough,  the  Smooth  Mike  from 
Delaware  put  it  way  over  me  head,  and 
the  Boss  had  to  stand  for  me. 

"  Seignor  Tomaso,"  sed  Addicks, 
"  I  think  I  know  you  about  as  well  as 
Jonah  did  the  Whale  when  he  was  using 
the  big  fish  as  a  House-boat  and  doing 
all  his  business  on  Inside  Information, 
but  it  drives  me  to  the  Puzzle  Board  to 
get  next  to  why  you  went  after  the  Life 
Insurance  Companies  so  hard. 
63 


Me  and  Lawson 


"  They  are  the  cleanest  institutions 
in  the  pasture  and  do  more  for  the  civil 
ization  what  don't  fade  or  rip  than  any 
other  infloonce  in  the  world. 

"  Of  course,  my  mug  isn't  in  the  Silk 
Plush  Album  of  Saints,  and  if  there's 
any  Real  Coin  in  soaking  'em,  why 
you're  to  the  good." 

The  Boss  came  back  swift  and  sed: 

"  In  the  first  place,  they've  been  too 
Airtight  about  issuing  me  insurance  I 
have  asked  for,  and  I  think  they  are  too 
Friendly  Fannie  with  the  big  money 
boys  on  Wall  Street. 

"  In  the  second  place,  they've  got 
more  money-power  than  most  govern 
ments,  and  between  us,  Addie,  I  felt 
that  if  I  put  my  footprints  on  their 
Peachy  Pants  I  would  not  only  be  kick 
ing  my  enemy's  brother-in-law  where  it 
would  do  the  most  Good,  but  would  also 
64 


Amalgamated  Gas 

arouse  the  Public  to  fever  interest  by 
sticking  pins  in  their  sacred  white  ele 
phant  early  in  the  Game. 

"  Of  course  it  wasn't  a  nice  thing  to 
do,  but  when  a  fellow  is  general  man 
ager  of  a  Fourth  of  July  bonfire  he's  got 
to  keep  the  blaze  high,  even  if  he 
has  to  swipe  the  Hospital  Gates  to 
do  it." 

The  Boss  exercised  his  face  a  hull  lot 
more  about  the  insurance  gazabos  be 
ing  too  Chesty,  but  I  didn't  get  wise  to 
it  much,  because  I  couldn't  help  think 
ing  about  the  time  when  Dutchy 
Swartz's  old  man  died. 

Chee !  but  them  was  tough  times. 

Dutchy 's  father  was  Aces  Up.  He 
never  drove  home  in  the  jag  wagon  and 
was  always  Candy  Kind  to  the  old 
woman  and  the  kids.  The  day  he  fell 
off  the  building  where  he  was  working 
65 


Me  and  Lawson 


was  the  first  job  he  had  been  able  to  cut 
his  name  on  for  two  months.  When  he 
croaked  a  couple  of  weeks  later  there 
wasn't  a  sliver  of  grub  in  the  house  nor 
a  cent  to  coax  the  butcher  with.  The 
coal  box  was  holler  and  the  landlord 
was  as  Icy  Ike  as  a  snowman. 

It  was  nothing  to  eat,  nothing  to  bury 
the  old  man  with,  and  nowhere  to  go 
but  in  the  street  and  get  froze,  when 
along  come  the  Insurance  Guy  and  tells 
the  bunch  that  they  had  insurance 
money  coming  to  'em.  He  rubbered 
about  for  a  little,  monkeyed  with  some 
papers  and  then  hands  'em  Coin  right 
out  of  his  pants. 

Hully  Smoke!  but  you  ought  to  seen 
the  old  woman's  face.  It  was  like  sun 
shine  rubbering  through  a  busted  snow 
storm  on  Christmas  Day. 

She  couldn't  spiel  a  word.  She  just 
66 


Amalgamated  Gas 


cried  soft  and  kissed  the  insurance 
guy 's  hands  till  his  mug  was  as  red  as  a 
automobile. 

Dutchy  did  a  fast  lap  to  the  grocery, 
and  in  a  bug's  wink  there  was  grub, 
coal  and  everything  in  the  house.  I 
stood  around  like  a  dago  cop  at  a  dream 
christening,  and  me  lamps  leaked  so 
hard  that  I  didn't  have  to  wash  me  face 
for  two  days. 

After  I  had  dried  me  sleeves  and  took 
a  brace  I  sneaks  up  to  the  insurance  guy 
and  sez : 

"  I  ain't  just  wise  to  your  game,  but 
I'd  rather  be  Good  Old  You  for  a  min 
ute  than  be  a  hull  flock  of  them  Soft- 
drink  Boys  what's  writ  about  in  the 
Bible." 

He  hands  me  a  laugh  what  come 
from  the  Eight  Place,  and  sez : 

"  This  is  what  insurance  companies 
67 


Me  and  Lawson 


is  for.    We  do  this  every  day.    It 's  our 
excuse  for  living. ' ' 

When  I  asked  him  where  all  the  coin 
comes  from,  he  sez, 

"  Kid,  the  insurance  companies  has 
got  enough  money  in  their  keeping  to 
paste  a  strip  of  hundred  dollar  bills 
round  the  earth,  and  then  some." 

0  yes,  about  the  Boss.  The  next  no 
tice  I  took  of  his  chatter  he  was  telling 
Addicks  that  he  had  dropped  a  Stack  of 
Blue  Chips  by  faking  up  a  lot  of  circu 
lar  letters  from  insurance  companies 
what  wasn't  meant  for  him  particular, 
to  prove  that  he  had  been  asked  to  take 
insurance  when  he  hadn't,  and  by  print 
ing  the  hull  thing  in  the  magazine 
along  with  a  sample  policy  what  a 
Hurry  Harry  Agent  had  give  him  to 
rubber  at,  and  saying  how  it  was  the 
Eeal  Thing  when  it  wasn't. 
68 


Amalgamated  Gas 


Just  then  Addicks  puts  his  dark  lan 
terns  on  me  and  sez : 

"Let's  hear  what  the  wise  Humpty 
has  to  say  about  it. ' ' 

I  didn't  call  me  tongue  to  breakfast 
right  away,  but  after  thinking  a  minute 
I  asked  if  it  wasn't  mostly  Women  and 
Kids  what  got  the  insurance  company's 
money,  and  when  they  sed  yes  I  looked 
away  from  the  Boss  and  sed,  pretty 
slow  on  me  pins : 

"  Good  fighting  dogs  don't  generally 
tackle  Lady  Dogs  with  Litters,  no  mat 
ter  what  the  scrap 's  about. ' ' 

We  didn't  none  of  us  say  nothing  for 
awhile.  Then  the  Boss  sed  I  looked 
sleepy  and  better  hike  to  me  Hay  Loft. 
But  just  as  I  was  sleep-walking  out  of 
the  room  I  heard  the  Addicks  guy  say: 

' '  I  guess  your  game  is  0.  K.,  Tommy, 
but  you'll  have  to  make  hay  while  the 
69 


Me  and  Lawson 


Con  shines.  The  people  are  getting 
next  to  you  sixty  miles  an  hour,  and  in 
a  few  months  you'll  be  as  dead  as  a 
Cured  Boil  on  a  Busy  Boy's  Neck." 


70 


THE   LAMB  DANCE 


THE  LAMB  DANCE 


THE  KETTJKN  TICKET  OF  A  SHOT-OFF 
SKY  ROCKET" 

HE  next  morning  the  hull  of 
our  crowd  was  doing  dou 
ble  quick  stunts  and 
everything  was  whizzing. 
I  didn't  see  the  Boss  but 
onct,  and  he  forgot  to 
speak  to  me.  There  was 
plenty  of  telegrams,  but  the  other  fel 
lows  carried  'em.  I  heard  the  head  Pen 
Pusher  say  that  the  Boss  was  selling 
short  with  both  hands  and  the  market 
would  be  good  for  a  ten-point  drop  in  a 
few  days. 

Oh  my,  Oh  me,  but  we  was  Busy-izzy. 
73 


Me  and  Lawson 


A  few  days  after  that  I  bought  meself 
a  paper  when  I  was  comin'  down  to  the 
office,  and,  Gee,  didn't  the  Boss  have  a 
big  ad  in  it. 

The  letters  was  as  big  as  Barnum's 
Circus  and  told  the  Public  that  the  Sys 
tem  had  skinned  'em  to  a  Bald  Banana ; 
that  Amalgamated  Geese  had  never  had 
no  Feathers,  and  that  Frenzied  Copper 
would  put  burning  blisters  on  their 
hands  if  they  held  it  a  minute  longer. 

He  advised  'em  from  his  Weeping 
Soul  to  Sell  everything  they  had  what 
wasn't  nailed  down,  and  told  'em  to 
keep  their  ears  to  the  ground  with  the 
flaps  pointing  toward  Him. 

Mebbe  the  telephone  girl  wasn't  the 
Swiss  Bell-ringer  Lady  that  day.  I 
choose  yes. 

The  Boss  did  the  Lamb  Dance  over 
the  ticker  till  two  hours  after  eating 
T4 


The  Lamb  Dance 


"  Doing  double  quick 
stunts." — Page  73 


Me  and  Lawson 


time.  He  shuffled  a  deck  of  telegrams 
with  one  hand  and  acted  like  a  hospital 
doctor  saying  How-de-do  to  a  tape 
worm  with  the  other. 

This  lasted  for  a  couple  of  days,  but 
somebody  must  have  put  sand  on  the 
track.  The  Slump  didn't  come  off,  and 
the  Boss  was  Crazy  Claude  for  fair. 

Some  fresh  guy  left  a  drawed  valen 
tine  in  the  front  office  what  showed  the 
Boss  up  as  the  return  ticket  of  a  shot-off 
sky  rocket,  with  the  words  "  Use 
Fakerine  for  that  Fazed  Feeling ': 
under  it.  I  was  laughing  with  me  full 
face  when  he  come  by  and  saw  it.  He 
didn't  crack  a  grin,  but  just  sed: 

*  *  The  press  of  your  important  duties 
seems  to  make  you  hysterical,  Humpty. 
You  better  go  home  and  rest  up  for  a 
few  weeks.  Don't  chase  back  till  we 
send  for  you." 

76 


The  Lamb  Dance 


Three  days  later  I  gets  bumped  by  a 
Puff- wagon  wHile  crossing  State  Street, 
and  I've  been  in  this  Bone-works  ever 
since. 

"  Kind  is  he?  "  You  bet  he  is,  and 
I  'm  just  aching  to  git  back  to  me  job. 

Well,  so-long,  Micky;  I've  told  you 
me  story  and  you'll  have  to  chase  your 
self  now.  I  must  try  for  me  beauty 
sleep  or  the  dandy  Doc  will  keep  me 
nailed  down  to  this  dinky  cot  till  me 
whiskers  grow.  Give  me  love  to  the 
other  Kids  at  the  Western  Onion. 

Wow!  Wow!  but  me  bum  leg  is  hurt 
ing  me  agin. 

The  head  nurse,  gently  brushing  back 
his  moist  hair,  put  her  hand  on  the  mes 
senger  boy's  forehead,  and  said  to  her 
subordinate: 

"  Poor  little  man;  he  seems  delirious. 
77 


Don't  let  him  talk  so  much  to  his 
friends.  His  wound  heals  far  too 
slowly.  There  ought  to  be  an  iron-clad 
law  against  speeding  automobiles  in 
down-town  streets." 

Presently  a  comforting  sleep  spread 
its  lulling  coverlet  over  the  tired  little 
mind,  but  before  his  tossed  and  buffeted 
boatlet  sailed  softly  forth  on  slumber's 
silent  sea  he  drowsily  whispered: 

"  This  sportin'  life  is  great.  It 
takes  a  Messenger  Kid  to  dig  Living- 
Picture  Potatoes  out  of  the  Wise  Gar 
den." 


78 


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